A Tooting Machine

By: Heather Desmond O’Neill

“Mama, pull my finger.”Finger

I could kill my husband.

I am the oldest of three, with a younger sister and a much younger brother. I don’t get my husband and my boys’ fascination with bodily sounds. Is it a boy thing? Is it a kid thing? Both?

In my house, we refer to flatulence as “tooting.” I just think it sounds better, and honestly I do find it funny when my toddler says “I tooted.” Let me clarify, I find his words, not his actions, funny. But at that age, I know the two go hand in hand.

We are now at the stage where every time JP “toots” he not only announces it, but says “excuse me” and has a giggling fit. I adore his laughter and at times find it hard not to join in. Just the other night we were out at dinner, thankfully at a very friendly kid environment, with a close family friend. JP lets one rip and I glance at my friend just before I give the evil “oh no you didn’t just do that and embarrass me in front of all these people” look to JP and see him in a hysterical fit. Now you all know this is contagious. I can’t be the stern mother trying to instill manners into my son because I am shooting tears down my face, not looking at anyone (because when you don’t see them they don’t see you … right?) and viciously biting the inside of my cheek. I am done, our friend is trying to hold it together and JP thinks this is the best thing he’s ever accomplished. I finally tell him he’s rude, that we don’t do that at the dinner table and that he stinks. His response? “Thank you.” Well this sends another bout of the giggles to the males at the table. Why do they think this is so funny?

JP has found out that he can’t always control such things. We have a very lovely older couple that lives a few houses down, who JP frequently visits when they are outside in their yard. One day he came home to tell me:

JP: Mama, I tooted at Martha’s house yesterday and she didn’t laugh.
Me: It’s not funny when you toot.
JP: I think it is. She must not have heard me
Me: I’m sure she heard you. It’s not polite to toot in front of people. Did you say excuse me?
JP: I was going to ask her to pull my finger, but the toot fell out of my bum too fast.

I guess this is a constant source of conversation in our house because one day at dinner:

Me: Jameson, what did you do in school today?
JP: Do you really want to know?
Me: Yes.
JP: We had music and movement today.
Me: Music and Movement? What’s that? Did you dance?
JP: Yup, I danced, I shook my bum (and he demonstrated). Then I tooted on Sophie. She didn’t like it.
Me: Jameson, you can’t toot on people. It’s gross. You stink.
JP: Thank you.
M3: No, it’s not a good thing. No more tooting on people. Especially girls. They don’t like it.
JP: What if she asks me to?
Me: She won’t…ever.
JP: You like Dada and he toots a lot.
Me: I’m stuck with Dada. I don’t really have a choice anymore.
JP: Oh. I’m a tooting machine, Mama. Sometimes I can’t help it.
Me: I know buddy. It’s in your genes.
JP: No, I had comfy pants on.
Me: Exactly.

At JP’s 4-year check-up appointment he put on a real show:

JP: (sitting up on table) Uh-oh Mama.
Me: What’s wrong?
JP: (Tttooooootttttt) Nothing, I feel better.
Me and the Doctor: (trying not to laugh) Jameson, it’s okay to toot, but it’s not funny.
JP: Sorry mama. I think I have to toot again. (I take him off the table and he’s standing on the floor. He lights up the room with an awful sound and smell)
Me: Really Jameson? Please stop. You can go to the bathroom if you need to.
JP: I’m a tooting machine!
Doctor: Yes you are.

Finally, on one rather reflective day:

JP: Mama, what makes you happy?
Me You and Jackson do.
JP: Do you know what makes me happy?
Me No, what?
JP: Tooting. I love to toot.
Me: I know.

I guess being the mother of 2 boys, I’m in for this for awhile. They are running around, pulling one another’s fingers and giggling. I’m wondering at what age it stops being funny. Any insight is much appreciated …..

4 thoughts on “A Tooting Machine

  1. Oh my goodness. As a mother of a 1 year old, this was a good read for things to come! Ohhh tooooot!

  2. This is awesome!!! I am cracking up over here!! I have 1 of each, my daughter is 3, and she also thinks it’s a riot! Sometimes, you just have to laugh 🙂

  3. I feel your pain!!!! I’m very outnumbered at home with a husband, two boys, 6 and 4 along with a male dog. It really doesn’t get any stinkier than that.

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